Day 47: Please rain (lightly) on my parade

Why am I so freaking determined to do it myself? Am I really nervous or afraid to ask my maintenance people to help? I don't know what my problem is... I just know my shower is acting all crazy and I'm determined to fix it myself. Just like I managed to hang my own curtains, recaulk my tub, and assemble my table and chairs. I have never been someone to ask for help. I don't know if it's stubborn or independent or just plain stupid.

I stepped in my shower the other morning and the water pressure had quadrupled! I was nearly blown through the wall, and by the end of the show I was standing in 5 inches of water, because it's coming out faster than it will drain! So I changed the shower head. Easy enough. It worked for 2 days, then it was the same crazy water pressure again! WTF? So, now I'm convinced it's something to do with the complex, not my shower head. But, I don't want to alert them because I've switched the shower heads, and when I put the original back on, it merely dribbles. Now I'm confused. So what do I do? Buy a different shower head! I've now dumped at least $15 into shower heads and I'm crossing my fingers this one works. If not, need a new shower head? I've got a few...

Needless to say, if it doesn't work, I've got to call my complex. I need to realize there is nothing wrong with asking for help, or getting someone who actually KNOWS what they're doing to fix something! I think I try to control everything in my life so much, I don't even think of asking someone to lend a hand. And then when I do, I feel like I'm really putting them out. I shouldn't. I mean, they'll let me know if they can't do it, right? Aren't I always willing to help someone? Why do I think I deserve less? I vow to ask for help when I need and not feel guilty about it. At least, I'll try.

Day 46: Crap, I missed the Emmys.

They're like crack to me, and I just forgot about them!! The Emmys, the Golden Globes and the Superbowl of awards shows, the Oscars...three of my favorite nights of the year. I mean, I take off the day after the Oscars so I can watch the entire thing and not worry about getting to bed! The Emmys are like a treat too, because just as you're jonesing for an awards show, and realize the Globes aren't til January, here's the Emmys! I love the escape into Hollywood, fantasizing that I'm on the red carpet too, mingling amid the glitz and glamour, wearing designer gowns and doing the over the shoulder pose. Diamonds and crystals and heels and hair, it's a girl's dream. Not to mention, I revolve a good portion of my lonely life around television, so to see my favorite shows get honored makes me, in a strange and maybe teensy sad way, proud I'm a viewer. Nerdy, I know, but isn't that what television is? Or movies for that matter? A chance to immerse yourself in someone else's life, their problems and mistakes, vacations and relationships, to take your mind off your own for awhile. Anyway, it may seem a bit lame to get so excited for an awards show, but the excitement of the night is catching and I enjoy it all. Which makes it all the more disappointing I got busy and forgot about it completely. Although, I missed them because I had plans with some lovely ladies, so it's not all bad. :)

Day 45: Sometimes you just need to dance.

To quote one of my favorite bits from Dane Cook, sometimes you just need to dance. You just want to go out with your girls, form a circl, throw your purses in the center and dance. Okay, maybe we hang on to our bags...but how fun is it to just find the beat and shake it? Every song is suddenly your favorite song, and if you know the words to sing along off key and at the top of your lungs, it feels even better. You don't have to have professional moves, you don't have to know a routine, you don't even have to look cool doing it. Just find your groove to the tunes and let it out. It's stress relieving at the same time it's a high, and it's just plain fun. Never mind if you get all sweaty, and your hair falls and you have sore legs the next day from when you dropped it low, which as a white girl, you KNOW looked good...when are we doing it again?

Day 44: Wouldn't be a real night out without a BJ moment...

Another Saturday, another Bridget Jones moment. I don't even know why my thoughtlessness surprised me. My friend Sarah and I were invited to a housewarming party for a friend and co-worker in Harrisburg, about 30 minutes from my house. Of course, we're running behind, but we finally get in the car, find the house in one shot, park and pile out to head to the party. So we shut the doors. With the keys in the car. And the doors are locked. WTF?? It was like I watched it in slow motion. I happen to have the only car left in the world that is all manual, from engine, to windows to locks. So, I'm forever reminding my passengers to lock the doors as they get out. As I asked Sarah, and she said she had locked it, we both shut the doors as I realized the keys were in the car. Now, since I'd been driving, why didn't I have the keys? A simple answer of course. Because I'd had a passenger, I had my purse on the back seat. And because we were going out, I had put just the car key in my little going out purse, to avoid lugging around all my keys. And that valet key that I keep tucked in my everyday purse for just these instances? Back in Lancaster, where I'd switched bags. Fat lot of good that did me. BUT, thank goodness for Sarah and her AAA for coming to my rescue. We got the keys, but it took about an hour and a half...an hour and a half that we were drinkless. Did I forget to mention the wine was in the car with the keys? :)

Day 43: Seriously, I'm done with this summer.

Frick it's hot! I HATE the hot. And I feel like there's been no relief this entire summer. I am a summer baby who hates the heat. Seriously, bring on the snow, the more the merrier. Today, I attempted to sit by the pool and 10 minutes in I feel like I'm sitting on the surface of the sun. The back of my neck and hair is damp with sweat, I feel like my face is melting, my bathing suit starts to burn my stomach and I'm repeating inside my head, five more minutes, five more minutes. I do happen to have the best tan this summer than I've ever had though...

I think my most hated part of the summer is the wardrobe. I'm not a tank top and shorts kind of girl, because of all my crazy insecurities. But, you look a little bit like a freak when you rock a sweatshirt and rolled up jeans in 85 degree weather. Actually it's not so bad when you go from air conditioned apartment to air conditioned work to air conditioned store. But, it's the summer! I want to do things outside like everyone else! I want to go to the beach, or the amusement park, or sit by the pool. So, I'm using this summer to care less about what I look like and more about what I feel like. When I rock the shorts, no one really seems to care. When I take my shirt off at the pool, no one blinks. When I get in the pool in only my bathing suit and no grandma swim shorts, no one points and laughs. So, maybe I don't look that terrible. And maybe I'm not that abnormal. And maybe I worry too much about what other people think. I mean, am I really this selfish that I think everyone is always concerned about me and what I look like? It's just silly, and much cooler wearing short sleeves to work instead of jeans and a sweatshirt.

Day 42: Ignoring the urge...

Where does it come from?? This need to stop and shop? I know I've mentioned my addiction before, but sometimes it just wells up from deep within and is almost overpowering. I'm driving home from work today and I just have this overwhelming desire to stop at The Christmas Tree Shoppe. I'm not looking for anything specific, hell, I don't even have any money to spend. All I know is want to spend an hour or so milling around the aisles of stuff. It was all I could do to not get off at the exit. Why even tease myself with things I want but can't really buy? I don't know, but I could actually feel the tingle I get when I get the chance to browse, and it almost felt like it would calm or relax me. I really can't explain where the urge comes from...why can't I get the same urge with exercise?? Whatever it is, I'm going to have to feed the addiction soon. I'm starting to twitch.

Day 41: A flash of panic

Sort of out of the blue, I came to the absolute conclusion that I want to be a mother. I've always loved kids and sort of always assumed that they would be a part of my life someday, but I just knew today that there is no doubt in my mind I want that experience. I want the bond I share with my mother, I want to help grow another person, I want to give and receive unconditional love... For whatever reasons, I just know I want to be someone's parent.

But, here's where the panic set in. Here I am counting down the days until 30. 36 is just a few years beyond that. And THAT is kind of the age I see in my head as the cut off point for having babies. I know it can happen after that, and I'm not opposed to it, but I want to avoid possible health risk, and gosh darn it, I want to be seen as a cool mom, a young mom, not the same age as my kid's friends' grandparents. So that gives me about 6 years to figure out how I'm going to go about becoming a mother. Um, that's NOT alot of time!! Preferably I'd like to go the traditional route...meet someone, fall in love, get married, have discussion about when to start trying and poof, our lives revolve around bottles, bibs and baby speak. But, I'm a reasonable woman of the 21st century, and as many of you know I'm big into planning things out, so can I really just wait around for the "traditional?" I think it's time to make a long term, alternate plan. I'm not afraid to go down the mommy road alone, but what are my options? Sperm bank? Sperm ads? A good friend lending a hand? Adoption? Crazy things to consider, but not out of the realm of possibilities... I mean, unless I meet my soulmate in the next few months, which I'm not counting out but let's be honest, not really counting on, I've got some major thinking to do and time is running out!!

Days 39 & 40: Company? Yes, please.

I have always been a fairly independent sort. I can do and often choose to do a lot of things by myself. I shop by myself, take myself to the movies, check out museums alone. And while I may have lived with my parents through college (and maybe the 2 years that followed...), once I made my big move out, I've always chosen to live alone. I've learned to hang my own pictures, move my own furniture and once even fix my own toilet, and I'm proud to say I can do those things. Plus, I generally like my own company and the freedom of doing what I please and no one around to worry about bothering...or be bothered by. If I want to watch the 4 hour BBC version of Pride & Prejudice in my purple Eeyore pjs or clean my apartment while pretending I'm the 4th singer on Destiny's Child's Survivor album, or spend 20 minutes picking at my pores while sitting on the bathroom sink ledge, that's my own business. I can also get ready at 2 a.m. with all the lights on, leave things out because no one will trip on them, shower with the door open, never put make up on, burp, fart, blow my nose, really the list goes on, because again, it's just me.

But lately, *sigh* lately, the alone time has become more like lonely time. And, the thought of having company perks me up more than I'd ever thought possible. My friend Sarah jokes about "living" at my apartment on the weekends, but the truth is, I feel fulfilled when she's here and sad when she leaves. She and our friend Christina were here all Sunday, and despite my massive hangover, not to mention my inability to move from the fetal position on the floor, I loved every second of their company. Then there was the sporadic weekday sleepover with my friend Kiersten which has pretty much made my week. I feel this yearning for companionship, just the knowing that someone is sharing my space, my little world for awhile, even if we're not speaking or are sleeping in different rooms. My mom used to say she hated the quiet and liked knowing me and my brother were in the house and she wasn't alone. I could never understand feeling that way until now. I always liked the quiet, but suddenly it's too quiet.

Is this just another way I'm changing as I get older? I can almost feel the things I once considered priorities altering, and my "alone" time seems less important by the day. So, until I can figure out just WHAT I want, I hope my friends are in the mood for some good ol' QT. And, this is an open invitation to you lovely people, feel free to visit! (I promise I'll store my neat freak ways up on the shelf...)

Day 38: Ugh. Hangover.

I. Am. Dying. Seriously. Who do I have to promise all of my worldly possessions to to no longer feel like my insides are attacking me? Why did I do this? How did I drink so much? Did I really yell at the guitar player to play John Mayer? Why did I do that shot? How much wine did we drink at the restaurant? Do I have anything left in me to throw up? Is my shirt on backwards? Where is my water? Where is the Excedrin? Do my bathroom tiles look like pigs? Am I too old to get this hungover? Will the nausea ever end? Did I wash my face before I passed out? Good grief. I need french fries. Stat.

Day 37: A night on the town

I love the female ritual of getting ready to go out. Not just the everyday putting together of yourself, but the extra steps you take when you're planning a night out with your friends, or maybe a special someone. A longer time in the shower with the special shampoo, the lather up of your favorite lotion, the extra time spent on your hair, the more dramatic look of your make up and the new outfit you've had forming in your mind for the last week.

Then, there's the anticipation of what the night may hold. You have a little more pep in your step as you count down the days, hours, minutes to the start of the night. You wonder who'll you meet, where you'll go, what crazy situations you may end up in...the night seems to literally sparkle with opportunity.

And, don't forget the next morning recap, where conversations are rehashed, moments relived and pictures are browsed. I don't think I ever laugh as hard as I do those mornings where we can't believe the things we said and did...and have the photo evidence to back it up all up. Yes, there's a little shame, a little embarassment, but overall just the satisfaction of knowing a good time was had by all.

Anyway...this is what I'm setting myself up for tonight. A night out with the ladies who I ususally wind up with more than one incredulous story. Let's cross our fingers we behave.

Day 36: Sometimes it just needs to be all about me.

And it was. I took today to pamper myself, and it was much needed and well deserved. I got 12 hours of sleep and woke up at noon, which normally would have had me feeling guilty for getting up so late, but not today. I made tea and a bagel, curled up on the couch and eased myself into the day. Then, I mosied my way over to the pool, where I read and listened to music in the sun. I would have stayed longer, but I sort of felt like I was sitting on the surface of the sun and melting from the inside out... So instead, I came home to shower, then took myself to a movie, where I splurged on nachos and enjoyed every cheesy bite in the dark alone. The day wouldn't have been complete without a teensy bit of shopping, and though my funds are always pretty low, I happened upon a cute sandal sale, where I got two pairs for $10. Can't beat cute and a deal! After which I put on my favorite pjs, curled up on the couch and cleaned out the DVR a bit.

All in all, it was a lovely day with me, myself and I. I think everyone needs one of these days to leave problems behind and reenergize. To think only of themself, splurge on things you love, and treat yourself to the things you usually hold back from. We all have friends, family, people depending on us, but really it's just you making your way through life, and why shouldn't you spoil yourself? I say you're entitled. Try it.

Day 35: Nothing wrong with getting a little tipsy in your pjs...

I had the night off. And, I had originally had plans to go out of town tonight that fell through. So, I took a bubble bath. I put on my favorite pjs. I put in Dirty Dancing. And I got drunk. Not super drunk, but lovely tipsy. Still kind of am. :) So far I have put on the Dirty Dancing soundtrack and danced about my living room, signed up on an online dating website, drunk texted my friend Aaron, ironed my pjs (they were REALLY wrinkly), eaten chips and dip, and attempted to blog. I feel floaty and not so depressed, I'm laughing, I'm optimistic...so I do NOT think it's wrong to get a little tipsy on your own. It's almost empowering to know that I'm tipping a few back by myself, I'm an adult and I can do what I want. It makes the problems in your life seem not so terrible for awhile, whic I think is okay if you don't let things get out of hand. Frick, I just banged my knee and saw some stars. Let's just say I'm not the most graceful drunk... Problem with a few drinks is I had no nap today and I'm fading fast. I think it's time to hit the pillow...

Day 34: I think I have a problem.

I'm lying in bed, starting to doze, when I realize my closet door is not completely shut. Instead of letting it go, I actually have a debate in my head about ignoring it or getting up to shut it. So I finally I get up and shut it. And then I can't fall asleep again.

I have this urge to make sure things are in their place. Hence the door having to be shut. Or the drawer completely closed. Or the remotes on the coffee table, the deodorant on the shelf, the toothpaste back in the cabinet, I could go on for days. This also translates into a bit of a neat-freakness. I wipe the sink out after I use it, I do the dishes immediately after cooking, papers and books go in stacks, blankets get folded and I always, ALWAYS, make my bed before I leave the house. I was never this way growing up, and I can't really explain where this touch of OCDness comes from. I know some of it comes from my mom, who was always very organized and clean when we were kids, but she relaxed a bit as we got older. I get especially crazy when people come to visit. While I LOVE the company (always welcomed after so much alone time!), the invasion of my space starts to make me itch. Clothes, cell phones, keys left around the apartment, the towel in the bathroom not folded properly, dishes lingering on the counter, I have to force myself to try and relax, let it go. I feel like because it's my space, my stuff, it's hard for me to let in a disruption, even if it's on my part...ahem, the closet door. But, it's annoying to myself, my friends and family that I turn into a tense neatfreak. Really Lindsey, it's not the end of the world if you let the sink stay wet or leave clothes on the bed, or leave the door open. So, I'm going to work on taking a breath, realizing I can shut the door in the morning and enjoying my downtime, whether it be alone with a book or in the company of loved ones, because at the end of the day, it's the time that really matters, not the fact that I can see my clothes hanging in my closet.

Day 33: I need someone to shake me!

I can't wiggle out of this funk! I feel drained of energy, ambition, and plain old enthusiasm for life. I've had a few blows lately, and I realize that can take a toll on a person, but this is not like me. I can usually shake the blues and focus on the positive. But, I'm struggling this last week or so. I can't seem to see any of that positive...I'm a big ol' Debbie Downer! My brain knows that if you want things to change, you can't just hope it will. You have to make it happen. I KNOW this, but why does it seem so hard? It's so much easier to put my pjs on and lounge on the couch with a Top Chef marathon. Ugh. I think it's time to kick my own butt. I have got to get my sunny disposition back, I'm pretty sure I'm putting off the people that I care about with all my doom and gloom. And, they're the ones getting me through, so for them AND for me, I'm going to shelve the sad and zero in on the good. Starting tomorrow.

Day 32: Nothing like starting your Monday with a jolt

Mondays are hard enough. But, when you end up getting a 2 and a half hour late start on a job that takes at least 5 hours to do, it really jams you up. Nothing like that heart pounding, nerve tingling feeling that you're not going to make it. I happen to have a daily deadline, one there's no getting around. So, as Tim Gunn says, you have to make it work...which I did, and know I can always do, but knowing the obstacle could have been avoided ALSO jams me up! I happen to be the type of person who cannot knowingly do a job halfway. So, it pains me each instance I have to let something go for the sake of time. Frustrated and exhausted. Good night.

Day 31: Sundays suck.

Does anyone else get the Sunday blues? I've gotten them since I was a kid, when school would loom Monday morning, and Sunday felt like you were just waiting around for the fun to end. That sad, depressing feeling that your weekend of fun is over and the daily grind is about to get underway again. Every Sunday, about midafternoon, I start to feel empty, a little depressed, a little sad and eventually just bum out. Lately, it seems worse. This dread of what lies ahead has turned into "what am I doing this all for?" What's my overall goal here? I'm more than a little miserable at work, I come home to an empty apartment, family is more than 5 hours away, it all makes you wonder what you're doing it all for. Granted when you wake up Monday it all seems a little rosier...but that doesn't make getting through Sunday any easier.

Day 30: Time to Trot 'n Brew!

I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and while I was slightly apprehensive, I ended up having a freaking blast! Not to mention it was just what I needed to pull me out of my funk...

I don't believe I've ever started drinking at 9:30 in the morning, but I highly recommend it. Well, maybe not everyday, but every now and then make a day of it. Okay, maybe just special occasions. That was what I'd call the Trot 'n Brew. A very special occasion. Like I said, I was a little leary of what exactly this race from bar to bar in a small woodsy community in the middle of Pennsylvania would entail, but I should have never doubted the fun factor. I mean, how can a race involving beer ever be uneventful? Excuse me, I use the word "race" loosely. While some of our party decided to actually RUN this ale-fueled trot, my friend Sarah and I committed early on to taking a stroll, a decision I would say we're both pleased with. We met several interesting people along the way, and had a lot of laughs, not to mention alot of beer, which made the final approach to the finish line most hilarious.

Trot 'n Brew festivities were followed by more beer, more laughs, TONS of food, more than a few turns down a slightly lacking slip 'n slide, which of course meant even MORE laughs, a few dance moves and an unexpected wild trip on a golf cart. A big thanks to our host and his parents for really welcoming the gang and showing us a good time.

All in all, it was a weekend that I desperately needed. Lots of people, lots of laughing, lots of talking, lots of acting silly and lots of not worrying about all of life's problems. Just relaxing and having fun. Trot 'n Brew, I'll do you again anytime. I'm a believer. :)

Day 29: It's okay to lean on people

You don't expect the outpouring of support, but suddenly depend on it. It's like a balm to a wound, a pat on the back, a hug you don't want but now crave. It really sucks to have the carpet pulled out from under you, to beat yourself up over what you could have done to change it, to analyze and analyze again where you thought wrong and got your signals wrong. You tell the stories over and over, in your head and to the people around you. You sound like a broken record and contstantly press for their opinion, their take on the situation. All you want is for people to tell you you're not crazy, you didn't do anything wrong. And when they do, when they go beyond that and tell you you've made the right decision, that there's nothing wrong in following your heart and you're going to come out on top, when they pick up the phone in the middle of the day at work to listen to you pour out your heart, when they call you at the end of their day to listen to you tell the story again and soothe your worries, or check on you on their scrambled way to work, when they send you a random text message or note of support and love, it all comes together to help get you through. The unexpected words of support, or the jokes to make you smile, to laugh when you really don't feel like it, those help, too, more than you know. No one likes to admit they're down, that they're weak and don't feel like they can get through a day without being sad or sulking, but realizing the people around you are willing to let you grab a shoulder, lend an ear or offer a hug gives you the boost you need to pick yourself up. It's going to get better, it will. At least, that's what they keep telling me...

Day 28: Nothing like a rainy day to match the mood

Sometimes you just need a day to shut out the world and sleep. Turn off the phone, close the blinds, watch a few hours of reality television and completely tune out. The perfect day to do this? A stormy, thundery, rainy day. The skies are dark and keep the sun out of your eyes. The air's a little cooler, perfect for curling up under a blanket. And, the fact that it's raining and miserable out makes it feel like it's okay to put the world on hold and be lazy. I whole heartedly believe all diet rules can be put on a shelf as well... If you're taking a day off life, you shouldn't have to work out or count any calories. Grab a handful of cookies and eat them under the covers. I say there is nothing wrong with that.

Day 27: French fries make everything better...usually

Hot. Greasy. Salty. Crispy. I've just described the perfect french fry, the ultimate cure to life's problems.

First, the hangover. There is nothing, NOTHING, like an order of hot, tasty french fries to cure a hangover. Granted, you have to get past the queasy, can't keep anything down phase, but once you're to the point of being able to eat again, get yourself to a McDonalds. There's nothing wrong with adding some chicken nuggets or a cheeseburger to those fries either...

Second, drunk food. Waaaay before the hangover, when you're in a fluffy state of lovely tipsiness, french fries always hit the spot when you suddenly find yourself ravenous. They are especially delicious mashed in with macaroni salad underneath cheesburger patties, onions and hot sauce a.k.a, the garbage plate, a Rochester specialty. Beware, eat them slowly and only after you've stopped drinking...they are not fun to see again on their way back up.

Finally, depression, heartbreak, sadness, frustration, disappointment or an all around bad day. I don't turn to alcohol, or drugs, or daring extracurriculars. I drown my sorrows in french fries. I seek out the golden arches and feel my heart lift a little when the red box of deep fried goodness is passed through the drive-thru window. And, when you've worked your way to the bottom, likely in mere minutes despite trying to pace yourself, be sure to double check the take out bag. The stray one or two that linger in the bottom are like a balm to the soul.

So, thank you french fries for being my constant. My hug without arms, my band-aid without sticking to arm hair, my hangover subsider, and my long overdue smile. You may not be the cure to life's problems, but you go a long way to making things seem a little better.

Day 26: Disappointment. It sucks.

So, I'm yet to really delve into my love life. Probably because I don't really have one. But, there was once this boy, and he made me laugh, and feel special, and made my tummy do little flutter things, and I couldn't help but smile when he called. It was weird, because I'd known him awhile before this started to happen, and was kind of surprised when it did. And, in true BJ and Lindsey fashion, it was the worst timing, as I once again was in the midst of picking up and moving my life. I don't regret the move so much as I wonder what could have happened had I stayed. I tried to take the attitude that if it was meant to be, it would one day be. And, when we stayed in touch, I remained hopeful, but tried to keep that hope at bay, because it hurts too much when you're let down from the picture you've painted in your mind. Life just won't let you do that. It won't let you stop your feelings from forming, and it won't stop getting in the way of the somedays and the maybes and the if onlys... I may have tried to keep it casual, never really putting out there how I felt so that there was no pressure, and things remained uncomplicated in what could become a complicated situation. It's no one's fault, but I am sorry for that. What was I afraid of? Why do I let that fear keep me from expressing myself? You truly do live and learn and this was a hard life lesson.

Day 25: Letting life get in the way...

I'm totally slacking on my running. I'm zipping between work, second job orientation, appointments and weekend travels, so that when I have a couple hours, I veg instead of hitting the gym. I need a kick in the ass! Some motivation that will always have me changing into running shoes instead of my pjs. Like today, for example, I had a hair appointment at 9 a.m., was done by 10:45 and still could have hit the treadmill before having to hit the pillow. But I sat on the bed and and it was over. The pjs went on and I zonked out. Granted, I hadn't gotten any sleep really the night before, but still, couldn't I have squeezed out 30 minutes on the treadmill? I think I need to sit down, look at my schedule for the week, and actually plan out which days and times of day AHEAD OF TIME will be marked for gym time. I know I feel good once I'm in workout mode, and especially after I'm done, so I need to focus on that and keep my goal in mind. I also need to hide the pjs...

Day 24: Reunion reflection

Oh, Binghamton. How many good times have we had? I returned yet again this weekend to send off a good friend, the last of the news crew that thrived on cocktails, dancing and drama. :) And, while some of the faces have changed and the thrills were a bit more muted, the memories live on. Having been a college commuter, I missed out on the "campus experience." But, thanks to several people I met at WBNG, who I'll call friends for life, I got my chance at it and more. Maybe there were more than a few inappropriate moments, hangovers that lasted til Wednesday, ridiculous dance moves on a light up dance floor and too much taco dip, but holy crap did we have fun! It gave me my start in what I hope becomes a long career in television production, but it also taught me to open up, let people in and have a good time. I learned to laugh and not be afraid to look silly and to ALWAYS take pictures...they're what get you through the next morning as you nurse a headache and sip Gatorade. So, thank you for the memories and the people I met with whom I'll make more. We may be scattered across the country, but we always manage to find ways to get together. And, maybe when we do, it's a little harder to recuperate these days as the bones get creakier, but I know I can always count on you all for a good time. :)

Day 23: The need to please...

Why do I have this incessant need to please people? It comes from deep within, this dread that I might let someone down. I think it's a good trait to have, but to a degree. I mean, I want to give the people I love my absolute best. But sometimes I go a little overboard, dipping a little bit too much into my budget and overextending my time. I can't seem to help it! I feel like I even get a little bit of a high from being the person who always comes through, which is not the botton line of why I do what I do. This is something I plan to work on, bit by bit. I don't always have to take the reins and if I can't do something, I can't do something. This already feels like it's going to be hard to do...but I'm ready to try. This does not mean I won't bring the taco dip...

Day 22: Let the scattered sleeping begin...

Ugh, the joys of the second part-time job are about to return. Working in news I've had a couple part time jobs to try and supplement the income over the years. From a book store clerk, to a tanning salon attendant, to pet-sitter. Now, it's amusement park worker. Yes, I've just become a teenager on college summer break...but, after dumping most of my energy into my full time "career," I really wanted something where I don't have to really exert myself. So, I've officially been hired at a local amusement park, where I've now gone through orientation and gotten a sweet uniform of blue polo and khaki shorts. Here's where it gets tricky: When do I sleep?

I'm not a slacker, and actually work pretty well when my schedule is packed and I'm constantly on the run. But, the older I get, along with my crazy early morning/overnight schedule, sleep becomes a pretty big deal. It gets harder and harder to function on 3 hours of sleep here, an afternoon nap there... It's almost painful to wake up from a too-short sleep and go about the rest of your day. Now adding a second job means just that, grabbing a few hours when I can get it. I can feel a sense of dread settling in, but I also know I really need the extra money. I think my problem can be overextending myself at the part-time job. I hate saying no or not being available to my new employer, even though we both know it's just a part-time job. I just aim to please! But, I have to approach this new job with a firm hand. I'm no good to either job if I can't keep my eyes open. I'm looking for just a few hours a week, preferably during the week so I can use my weekends to catch up...on sleep. :) I don't think there's anything wrong with stressing this to my new employer. I just have to get the balls to do it. I go in again next week for more orientation. Cross your fingers for me!

Day 21: You always feel better when you sing along

Try it. Turn on the radio, pop in your favorite CD or just play a tune in your head and belt along with a song. You can't help but feel a bit more light hearted, happy and just plain good. Outsing the pop star, you're so much better. Croon over the country star, you have much more feeling. Rhyme with the rap star, you've got a much better beat. Feel the music and lose yourself in it. I often use it as a stress reliever, or a way to clear my mind. I use to rev myself up and to make cleaning my apartment more enjoyable. My personal favorite? Show tunes. Yup, and, I'm not embarrassed to admit it. There's something about the strong, solid notes and the often whimsical melodies that get my blood pumping. I can literally feel myself center stage, entrancing a crowd with my powerful ballad. I AM the next American Idol, at least in my shower or car. :) What are your faves? A little Britney? Dave Matthews? Madonna? Ooh, that's another good one... "Life is a mysssstery, everyone can stand a-lone, I hear you call my name and it feels like ho-oome." Don't get me started.

Day 20: Trying to stay positive

After 4 days of relaxing, catching up with friends and family, and just plain getting away from the daily grind, I find it incredibly hard to return to work today after a long weekend. It's not that I don't want to see the people, I enjoy my co-workers immensely! But, even as I drove back into town, I could gradually feel the weight on my shoulders increase just thinking about what I had to walk back into. I've never felt this burdened by work before, and such a sense of dread upon returning, which worries and confuses me. Am I just tired of the situation I'm currently in and things will get better in a few weeks when we get fully staffed and I can actually do the job I was hired to do? Or am I just tired of my overall career choice? I constantly fantasize about venturing into a new field, stepping outside what I know to try something different, but how do you really do that without completely losing the safety net? Call me crazy, but I like to know I'm getting a consistent paycheck (however meager it may be) and can pay my bills on time, not to mention have access to health benefits. How do you leave that behind and leap into something unknown? Granted, I've now been up for about 27 hours, so I could just be overtired, which lends itself to overworrying and really letting the mind wander, but the question remains at the root: Am I happy doing what I'm doing? For now, I'm going to try to shake the dread free and approach each day as a new one with a fresh, POSITIVE outlook.

Day 19: You put 2 blondes together...

...and you end up driving more than halfway to Buffalo! I told my mom I was going to share this story with the world, or at least the handful of people that take a peek into my life each day, so they could laugh as much as we did. We made plans with my grandma and uncle to meet in Batavia which is halfway between Rochester (where we were) and Buffalo (where they live) for a sort of birthday dinner. After a most delicious meal, full of laughs and some lovely pictures, Mom and I got in the car to head back to Rochester...or so we thought. Faced with a fork in the road as we entered the tollway, I-90 West and I-90 East, we panicked and picked West. Which equaled wrong. How is that 2 intelligent women with plenty of years experience driving between Rochester and Buffalo among us managed to pick the wrong direction? It resulted in about 20 minutes driving out of our way and and extra dollar or so to get off at the next exit and turn around...luckily we were laughing, and had no place to be other wise we could have gotten a bit snippy with each other. I think we just have to write it off as one of those 'duh' moments, a blonde moment if you will. We all have them, blonde or not, and being able to accept them, laugh at yourself and move on is a lesson in itself.

Though, I still think that you should have known more, Mom, considering you drive that way at least once a week... ;) Love you!

P.S. Thank you for a most fabulous weekend. :)

Day 18: It'll always be home to me...

To continue on my sentimental journey home this weekend, I have to say, Rochester will always have a special place in my heart. It's where I grew up, where I graduated high school, where I learned to drive and navigate from Ontario to Victor, through the Can of Worms to Downtown, to Henrietta and to Greece. It's where I returned to find consolation and climb out of the darkest time in my life, where I found my friends who will be by my side for life, where I earned a diploma, where I crashed and totaled not one but both of my parents cars, where I bought my first car and where I thought I started to think I could settle before getting the call to join the world of news and launch my life of moving among markets. The ol' ROC will always be what I think of when I think home...

That is, despite the fact I don't actually have a home here anymore! My parents divorced a few years ago, therefore selling my childhood home. My mom moved to Buffalo and my dad and I don't really mesh well, despite him still living in the area. So I'm kind of an orphan in my own hometown. It's strange driving into the area I consider my homebase and not really having a spot to park it. Luckily, I have plenty of good friends willing to put me up for a weekend, and my mother seems to be dogsitting throughout the city, so there's usually a place to lay my head. However, it's funny how home really is where she happens to be. Or in my friend Chad's apartment, or Ilona's house... It's the people I'm there to see, to spend time with, to laugh with and reminisce with, to hit up old haunts or grab a garbage plate with that makes me feel home. It may always tug my insides when I drive by my childhood home and see the strange cars outside and fight the urge to turn into the driveway, but it gets a little easier each time. And, the more I visit, the more I realize that Rochester will always be the homebase, and the people that welcome me there always make me feel like I've come home.

Day 17: I'm catching baby fever...

Not much more to say than that. I was lucky enough to get to spend some more time with my two best girls AND Heather's adorable twin boys! I got girl time and baby time all in one weekend!! I can't believe how much they've grown since I first saw them in April, and how much they've each developed their own personality. Watching Heather as a mother is so natural, and just so Heather. She's found her groove and her own way of being herself and a mommy. I'm in awe of how she does it all with not one but two infants. And, spending an afternoon with her and her family couldn't not tug on those cravings for a little slice of what she has. I know I've said I'm not ready, that there's plenty more I want to do for me, and that's still true...to a degree. I think I'm a secret min-van driving, diaper bag carrying, cooking dinner soccer mom at heart and I'm just waiting for that opportunity to let it free. To be a parent and essentially help grow another human being, to want the best for them, and put them first, to instill your beliefs and push them to strive for the best, and then watch them become the best of you but with their own uniqueness, there can't be a feeling that beats that. I don't know when it will happen, but I know I want that chance. It might be weeks, months, years off, but it will happen.