Day 274-275: Uh oh, my scary side emerges...

I have never tried to make my struggle with self esteem and depression a secret. It's something I battle with everyday, some days much better than others, and while I try not to call attention to it, I'm not afraid to talk about it. However, the actual emotions, the feelings, the thoughts it can sometimes drag out of me are not things I really want to dump on anyone, especially my boyfriend of only 7 months. So here I am, Saturday night, just a few days after he so adorably surprised me with a visit and treated me like a princess, and I'm feeling this awful self-loathing consume me...all in front of Mr. O. I don't even know where it came from! One minute we're watching a hockey game and goofing around and the next I'm asking myself how he could possibly like me and how much longer til he leaves. How does this happen? Why can't I wrap my head around the fact that he likes me for who I am, that he's not going anywhere, and that I deserve all of this? Is this my addiction? Or is it some sort of disorder that I will never conquer? I can't really explain how I feel when this is all happening, just that there's this incredible feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I tried to curl up alone in my room and ride it out, but damn that Mr. O. for shaking me out of it. Or really I should thank him... I felt terrible though, as it put a damper on the whole evening, and I'm pretty sure he felt like he'd done something wrong. I don't think he understood that it was this war I was waging within myself and unfortunately he had to present for it. But, if he's going to be around awhile, I guess I shouldn't hide part of myself, right? Still, it's not an attractive side of me... Good grief, why can't I just be happy? I'm deciding right now that if it happens again, I'm just going to ask him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright...because I may not actually believe it, but it's what I want and need to hear.