Days 281 - 282: An Easter With New Family...

Working in news I've made concessions when it comes to working holidays. I've spent them with friends, at work, with coworkers after work, and even alone. Easter is one of those I've spent alone many times as it's on a Sunday and next to impossible to travel home and back for without falling asleep behind the wheel or at work. So, I was prepared to spend this one alone. Well, not alone, Mr. O. promised to come in for the weekend and we'd have our own little Easter dinner, which was fitting because I'd already put together the cutest Easter basket for him. :) Then he said he wanted me to spend the day with his family...and I got nervous. I don't know why, I've met his family before and liked every one of them! I guess it's just the dynamic of it being a family day, full of tradition and here I am, this newcomer whose interrupting the flow of the day. But, it sounded like it meant a lot to Mr. O. that I come, and honestly I was touched he wanted me to come so much. So off I went with my cherry cheesecake and overnight bag...and I had such a good time! It wasn't awkward staying over with his parents home (except when I sat down to breakfast with no makeup and my hair in a messy ponytail...did I mention I had a volcano growing on my chin??), and it wasn't awkward sitting down to dinner or hanging around the table afterward. I felt completely accepted and really enjoyed myself. So thanks O. family for making a girl feel so welcome and like part of the family. Whatever was I worried about? :)

P.S. Check out how lucky I am? Here I think I'm being so clever playing sneaky Easter Bunny on Mr. O...only to wake up Easter morning to this adorable and so girly pink basket from him! Complete with all my faves, sour watermelons, gummi bears, laffy taffy and a Phillies hat, as he's convinced on making me a fan. No matter how old you get, Easter baskets on Easter morning never get old. Thanks for being so sweet Mr. O.!

Day 276 - 280: A Producing Blur

It's been awhile since I stepped into the producing chair, and whoa, this week has been a blur of news. I'm officially exhausted and once again questioning my career choice more than ever. Morning news can sometimes be sleepy, but when it picks up the pace, it's CRAZY! And, this week has been one crazy day after another. I've left work late everyday, only working out twice this week and struggling with sleep every night. I'm so ready for this weekend! Only to turn around and do it all again next week...I hope I'm just out of practice and it gets a little easier. But there's a spark I'm missing, one that once came alive as I started to put a show together and was fueled as I watched it all unfold how I'd planned. Now it just seems like a frantic race against the clock to finish 2 hours of show...and I can't ever take the time to actually enjoy what I'm doing. This scares me a bit...and makes me realize I have a lot to think about.

Day 274-275: Uh oh, my scary side emerges...

I have never tried to make my struggle with self esteem and depression a secret. It's something I battle with everyday, some days much better than others, and while I try not to call attention to it, I'm not afraid to talk about it. However, the actual emotions, the feelings, the thoughts it can sometimes drag out of me are not things I really want to dump on anyone, especially my boyfriend of only 7 months. So here I am, Saturday night, just a few days after he so adorably surprised me with a visit and treated me like a princess, and I'm feeling this awful self-loathing consume me...all in front of Mr. O. I don't even know where it came from! One minute we're watching a hockey game and goofing around and the next I'm asking myself how he could possibly like me and how much longer til he leaves. How does this happen? Why can't I wrap my head around the fact that he likes me for who I am, that he's not going anywhere, and that I deserve all of this? Is this my addiction? Or is it some sort of disorder that I will never conquer? I can't really explain how I feel when this is all happening, just that there's this incredible feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I tried to curl up alone in my room and ride it out, but damn that Mr. O. for shaking me out of it. Or really I should thank him... I felt terrible though, as it put a damper on the whole evening, and I'm pretty sure he felt like he'd done something wrong. I don't think he understood that it was this war I was waging within myself and unfortunately he had to present for it. But, if he's going to be around awhile, I guess I shouldn't hide part of myself, right? Still, it's not an attractive side of me... Good grief, why can't I just be happy? I'm deciding right now that if it happens again, I'm just going to ask him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright...because I may not actually believe it, but it's what I want and need to hear.

Day 273: Less than 3 months...

Holy crap, the big 3-0 is less than 3 months away at this point and part of me feels like I've yet to accomplish any of the things I wanted to by this point! I mean, I'm not going to get married and have a baby by July! But, what about my 5K? And, wearing a bathing suit without feeling embarrassed? Or making more money? Hmmm...I think it's time for a bucket list. Nothing huge, just some milestones I'd like to check off the list by the time I enter a new decade. More to come...

Day 272: I take it ALLLLL back. :)

I'm such a sucker. I fell for the whole thing. THIS is what was waiting for me when I got home from work today. Well, these and Mr. O.! He really got me good, making me believe it was completely out of the question to make a Lancaster visit. And what do I walk into? Flowers, music, even muffins and bagels for breakfast! I can't help but smile every time I think of the effort he put into surprising me. Did I mention the watermelon gum? How well does this guy know me? What can I say, I'm a very lucky girl, and I'm sorry Mr. O. for ever doubting you. :) Thank you for a lovely, LOVELY surprise!

Day 270-271: I know I'm wrong, but I can't help how I feel!

Two and a half weeks. That's how long ago I last saw the BF. I can't help it, but it feels CRAZY long! I was gone the first weekend, and this past weekend was his big golf trip. It was so cute how excited he was for it and he so deserved some R & R, I just wish the weekends weren't back to back! Anyway, I'm sucking it up, cuz I know I'll see him in just a few more days...however, I have to say I'm a little irked. When he mentioned how he was going to spend the last few days of his vacation just chilling at home, I merely suggested he come here to do it, therefore spending some time with me. The words were barely out of my mouth before he shot the suggestion down. WTF? I didn't DEMAND he come here, and while I know it was me being selfish because of how badly I wanted to see him, I don't think it was that far into left field to make the suggestion. I KNOW the weekend's only a few more days away, and I can see the reason of not making the drive out here now only to turn around and do it again a few days later. Not to mention I have to work, which wouldn't be all that much fun for him...but, I can't help but feel a little hurt. Good grief, listen to me...suck it up, Linds. Stop being so freaking sensitive! I'm going to bed...one more day closer to the weekend.

Day 268-269: A very lonely weekend!

Friday night plans were a bust, so I went to sleep. Saturday I pretty much cleaned the entire apartment, INCLUDING organizing my underwear and sock drawer and clearing out my closet...and it was only 4 p.m. I got in touch with my lady friends about meeting up with them at their house, but lets just say they were a bit partied out by the time I got there and I headed home not long after to hit the sack again. Then today, with nothing left to clean and no one to talk to, I sort of sulked/watched movies. Through it all, there was a sense of loneliness... Looks like I've gotten a bit used to having Mr. O. around and my weekends just feel wrong when he's not here! After so many years of playing the independent life, part of me relishes this feeling and another part of me fears it. What if I start to rely on it too much and it's all pulled out from under me? I realize this is asking a lot of life, to tell me what's going to happen. As the man in question tells me, I think too much and I just need to shut my brain off. So here goes, I'm going to TRY and live a bit more in the moment, just enjoy what's going on now and not worry so much about what COULD happen. Because I feel like I could miss a lot of good things right now if I focus on what hasn't even happened yet...

Day 267: Tired of being THAT broke...

So I'm back from vacay...and broker than ever. And it was even a trip where I spent little to no money! I've got another weekend away from the boy and I was hoping to get in some serious girl time with a few foxy ladies I haven't seen in FOREVER! So I chat them up, find out there's some plans for going out tonight and Saturday...things are looking promising! Until...I come home to pay my bills. Between the increase in my rent and my newly jacked up cable bill I pretty much need to file for food stamps. Seriously, this is not just depressing, but embarrassing! I had to bow out of any plans tonight because I simply can't afford to go. While I recognize this as an adult and responsible decision...it doesn't suck any less. I've been complaining about this for years and so far during this 365 to thirty, things haven't gotten any better. I'm starting to think I need to make a few more adult decisions and make a change... Stay tuned.

Days 257-266: A little mom time, a little reunion, a little R&R, even a little white stuff...

So no palm trees, or white sandy beaches this year. My annual trip to Florida with Grams was a no go, but my poor mom is undergoing surgery 2 of 3, so I took off the week to head home and help out...plus get in some serious QT with my lovely mother. :) No worries, the surgery (which was to help with her carpal tunnel) went fine, the woman is the strongest person I know! The hardest part of this trip is getting her NOT to do stuff, she's so stubborn! (hmmm...maybe that's where I get it from??)

Of course, no trip home is complete without some Chad/Ilona/Heather time! I got in an overnight with the Chad, then got a ladies night out (Chad included) with the Ilona and Heather. I know I've said it before, but there's a special bond between people who can pick up where you left off, even if you saw them last several months ago, and who just get you. It's special, and every time I get together with these girls (and Chad!!) I'm reminded of how lucky I am...and how much fun we have together!

And, how can I head to Upstate NY without some B-Lo time with the Grams? I was lucky enough to get in 3 days, where I helped Mom with things around the house, but also got to catch up with Gramma and the doggies. My Chloe never hesitates to recognize me right away and I swear she gets cuter every time I see her. I'll admit to wanting to stick her in my bag and bring her back with me...:) Being that I was in Buffalo, I also had to take advantage of the local cuisine. Can we say Buffalo wings anyone? I had my fill and then some...nothing like comfort food from home!

And, yes, it was April...and it snowed. What can I say? I was secretly thrilled... While my vacation couldn't have been less tropical, the snow was the perfect cap to feeling like I was home.