Oof. I'm pretty sure my cable and internet has been turned off. Or at least suspended. I came home to a blank screen on my television and a "this page cannot be displayed" message on my internet. At this point, I'm sitting alone in my apartment feeling humiliated. Embarassed and humiliated and sad. I do NOT pay things late, sometimes I just can't pay it all. Just writing that makes me feel ashamed all over again. Ugh. I'm almost 30, taking care of only myself, and I can't seem to pay all my bills. Who comes to the rescue? Mom. Thank goodness I have the most supportive, encouraging, willing to help mother always ready to pick me back up when I fall. So, my cable should be back on when I get home...but how to prevent myself from falling again? How many more times can she be there to haul me up? I hate this feeling, I hate having to ask for help, I hate feeling like I've failed, I hate feeling like it won't get better. It has to. I work hard, it's gotta pay off eventually right? I feel like all I ever b*tch about is lack of funds, but crap, does it ever take a toll on you. I can see how money can ruin a relationship, how it CAN be stronger than love, because lately, I want to break up with myself over lack of it, and date a stronger, more confident me with a much better paying job.
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