Self esteem is something we all struggle with, some of us more than others. I've always had poor self esteem, never quite deeming myself as worthy as others. It's something I've worked on and I've come a long way over the last 8 or 9 years, realizing aspects of myself I like, respect, love. But, in moments of weakness, when your guard seems to be down and life is hitting you hard on several fronts, its easy for the old insecurities to seep through. Which is where I found myself tonight with a friend. It was all becoming overwhelming and I was on teetering on the edge of near hysteria, and suddenly my worries and fears started coming out of my mouth. All the crazy and quirk that I keep to myself, that I hide behind closed doors started to creep out. I even realize how insane I sound, almost like an out of body experience, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's like I need to vocalize it to make myself feel better. But I hate it, because I'm terrified I'll drive people I care about away. Let's be honest, no one wants to be around that kind of negativity, or crazy talk, it's a downer and can easily spread the blues. It's never my intention, I swear, and I've really learned to get over that hump, kind of store those feelings aside and live and think like most females my age. But, somtimes I feel like it's just hovering below the surface, and maybe my best plan of action is to remove myself for awhile from people whom I may have an affect on...
Good grief, it twists your mind thinking about it. Overall, I really do like the person I am, there are always just a bunch of things I yearn to change. I don't know if these feelings will ever alter or even go away, I can only keep trying to work on it, keep trying to reach a peace within myself. But how? If I lose the weight and can fit in smaller sizes, will my brain pick apart this newer perception of myself? If I earned more money, had a more successful job, would I feel like I've reached the point of career fulfillment? Or will I still want more? If I had a boyfriend, would I feel content and loved, or still wonder if I'm worthy of it? I don't have the answers. You don't have the answers. I don't even know if we ever find these answers. I'm just going to keep getting up each day and looking for the good, the positive and the optimism. It's that, or succumb to the sad, the dark, and I know, I KNOW from a place that takes root in my core, that I do not want that. I want the light and I will keep working toward it.
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