Day 77: Flood. A four letter word.

Ugh. Hours of constant rain, slow and steady, combined with the fact that I haven't had it yet in this news market can only mean one thing. Flooding. It's the soggy nightmare that seems to follow me on my news adventures around the country. In Binghamton, it flooded cities and counties, destroying homes and lives and putting the word FEMA into my everyday vocabulary. In Chicago, it struck again, washing out areas from the big city to the suburbs, prompting long lines at FEMA help centers and again, deadline after extended deadline to apply for aid. Today, in Lancaster, PA, the rain has been falling for the last 12 hours and I was just forced to find an alternate route into my apartment complex because the usual one is washed out. It's water, gallons upon gallons of water, and more dangerous than I'd ever imagined before joining the world of news. And after witnessing the destruction it can cause, the devastation it brings to families, I will never take a little rising water lightly. Which is why as the rain falls today and the river and creeks rise, I cross my fingers the grounds are undersaturated and can take the extra water, and that people have flood insurance, and that it tapers off before it can seep into basements and leave behind lingering damage.

Day 76: Mission: tasty and good for you!

I've been trying to kick up the "healthy" in my meals a bit...but it's not always easy to do on a budget. Sometimes, those healthy (ahem, diet) meals use all these ingredients you definitely don't have sitting in your cupboard, and by the time you fill up your cart with everything new you need, you've spent a fortune. So, I tried this: use only stuff in my fridge or pantry and see what good for me meal I could make. I came up with this taco salad! I used fat free refried beans, some salsa, loads of lettuce, chopped onions, some ground turkey with taco seasoning, a little more salsa and some reduced fat cheddar cheese (I refuse to buy fat-free cheese of any kind...it's disgusting). I ended up with this huge, and kind of pretty, salad, which I ended up splitting and eating the other half for lunch the next day! It was quite tasty, filling, and not so bad for you. Best part, is you could omit one or two of those ingredients and still have a decent taco salad. All done without going to the store. Hmm, I'm thinking I should make some kind of cookbook... Cooking with what's in your Kitchen?

Day 75: Back in the groove...

I'm back in my running routine. Or should I say my attempted running routine! I've taken it off the treadmill and onto the street...I think having a change of scenery holds my attention more and makes the time go faster! I actually find I run for longer periods of time and being outdoors just feels good. It's sunny, there's a breeze, I can people watch, it's almost like a boost for my mood. After being out of my routine for a few weeks, I thought I'd have to start from scratch. But, I was able to jump right back in...even though I paid for it the next day. Hello sore legs. It felt like my muscles were a hundred years old! But, it's that good sore, you know? The one where you know you've done something good for your body and it makes you feel good every time it aches, that you kind of want to get back out there and do it all again! I think I'll keep this outside thing going until it snows...even I, the winter lover has to draw the line somewhere. I'll run in single digit temperatures, but I won't run in snow. Too many opportunities to slip and look ridiculous...a true Bridget Jones move.

Day 74: Gone 2 hours, already missed.

I know I'll see her again in a few weeks, and I know we'll talk on the phone every other day, and I know we don't always agree on things, and I know we can drive each other crazy, and I know she's who I'm most myself around, but most of all I know she's missed. So much. She's only been gone a couple hours and already I'm half wishing I could just move back home so I could see her whenever I want to. Thanks for a great trip Mom! Hope you had as good a time as I did! :)

Day 73: Extreme Makeover: Apartment Edition

Talk about waking up on the right side of the bed... how about the new side of the bed? Operation Mom Spruce Up Lindsey continues and I now have a redecorated bedroom to wake up to each day! Granted I changed my sheets and bedspread a few days ago, but this is a whole new look, and alot more of a boost than the stuff I've been using for years. Somtimes you need a little something to give yourself a boost, and this absolutely does. I get a little thrill every time I walk in my room now! Thanks for knowing I needed this Mom...I know it took a little convincing, but I seroiusly get psyched to go to bed now. :)

Day 72: A stereotype disproved

If you know me, you know I'm a preppy, sometimes naive, sort of sweet natured girl, who tries to accept people for who they are. But, it's easy to let your mind run away with the stereotypes you hear every day. Maybe you avoid parts of a city because you think the kids hanging on the corner are going to try to steal your car. Or, you don't apply to the local country club because you're afraid of not being high class enough. Stereotypes are around us everyday and it takes strong people to try and steer clear of them and see people for who they are. As much as I believe this, I'm guilty of assuming things about people and no one was more surprised than myself when I was disproved today.

Basically, I hung out with a bunch of bikers all day. That is, people who ride motorcycles...not bicycles. :) Frankly, the leather vests and pants, long hair and beards, and tattoos have put me off in the past, made me a little apprehensive. They look kind of mean! Like they don't have time for some silly blonde girl and her most likely sillier questions. But, after signing in hundreds for my work's ride today, I'm looking at them in a whole new light. They were the nicest, most polite people I've spoken with in a long time, and the comraderie they shared as a group is one to be admired. They simply love to ride, to share the experience with each other and to often help a cause. And, if they like to look a little mean while they're doing, so be it. It's up to everyone else to look past the facade and see the heart. I did and was pleasantly surprised. Next time, I won't be so quick to judge.

Day 71: You're never too old to be taken care of...

Seriously, I have to learn to accept it. Just like I want my mom when I'm sick, I also have to realize as a mother she wants to take care of me. And, when she sees I'm struggling a little bit in life, whether it be financially or emotionally or career wise, she will always want to step in and try and fix my problems. Maybe I can't quite relate because I'm not a mom myself, but I know when the people I love are hurting, I'd pretty much give anything to make them unhurt. So, I can just imagine that feeling is quite a bit more intense as a mom.

Which means while it might be a hit the pride that she takes me grocery shopping when she visits, or pops a few dollars in my checking account from time to time, she's doing it out of pure love and doesn't think less of me. I only I hope I can be there for her when she needs something someday. I appreciate all you do for me Mom, and know that I'm humbled to accept your help it because I'm the person you raised me to be. Thank you for making me me.

Day 70: My friend. My role model. My mom.

It's true. There's no person I look up to more in this world, and who I enjoy spending time with more than my mother. She's my best friend, but she knows when to be a mother. She knows when to listen, and when to add her two cents. Even when I don't want to hear it...I really do. We never want to admit to ourselves that our mother is right, but let's face it, she usually is. :) And, I usually need that kick in the butt to see things straight again. I love her more than words can say, and I'm looking forward to spending a long weekend with her. The woman is so busy, always giving more than taking and making sure everyone around her is cared for before herself. I love the moments when she can leave it all behind, take some refuge in my apartment, whereever I may be living, and only worry about herself. She can sleep in, she can take her time getting ready, or not get ready at all, she doesn't have to cook, or clean, or worry about making it one of her jobs by a certain time. Unfortunately, with my pain in the butt tight budget I can't give much back to her for all the help she gives me, but I like to think this is a little something I can do for her to show my gratitude and love. I've also got a plethora of hugs...and strawberry daiquiri mix.

Day 69: Sometimes the urge just strikes...

...and you get this! A room torn apart by the desire to clean, organize and freshen up. Don't you just get the urge for change? The sucky thing is it happened to be about an hour before I usually need to actually use the bed. But, my mom is coming tomorrow, I've got a long weekend to catch up on sleep, so the great bedroom reorganization got underway.

Of course, it became more than just changing the sheets, bedspread and bed skirt. Suddenly, I'm cleaning out under the bed, dusting the dresser and night stand, pulling out clothes I can get rid of, throwing in laundry...next thing I know it's about 6:30 and I have to get up in a little over 5 hours for work. But, this is what I went to bed in...a dust free room with less clutter, smooth fresh sheets, clean, folded laundry. In my world, that's gearing up for a night of peaceful dreams.

Day 68: Why I need 15 minutes of fame...

It's my ticket onto Dancing With the Stars. I can't help it, I freaking love the show, and I crave a chance to don the sequins, heavy eye makeup and spray tan and take my turn at the quick step, or the cha-cha, or the Viennese waltz. *sigh* I have some very realistic dreams, and some dreams that I know I'm not talented enough to see come true...ahem, my starring role on Broadway. But, I know in my bones I would tackle my DWTS assignment with fervor. And, while I might not earn the mirror ball, I know I would be quick to pick up the steps, show my determination to and desire to dance and win the heart of the crowd!

But first! First, I have the little problem of not being a star. I don't think executive producer of a central Pennsylvania morning show quite hits the star radar...not B list, D list, not even S list. I've come up with the following ideas on how to get my name out there... 1.) become a viral video sensation, doing what I don't know, but something to gain attention. 2.) Get cast on another reality show, where I don't need to win, I just need to carve out a reputation...hence the 15 minutes of fame. 3.) Get hitched to someone famous and become known to everyone by my photos on their arm on the red carpet...or better yet by his horrible, insensitive scorning of me.

How about this? You all spread the word of this blog, tell your friends, your co-workers, your family, your deli counter worker, your dog walker and your postman. Help me turn it into a phenomenon of words and before you know it, I'll be selected as the FIRST blogger to take the dance floor. I can hear it now, "she's a master of words, can she master the woods...the hardwoods, in her quest for the mirrorball trophy!" And, I can blog about the whole experience and call out all my fans, thus making YOU famous too! It's really a splendid and most realistic plan. Would it be too much to make it happen before my 30th birthday? Talk about crossing a major item off the bucket list...

Day 67: Ugh. It's only Monday.

All that stuff I said about liking being in control? Scratch it all. I was about ready to pull my hair out today. Filling in producing on a shift I'm not all that comfortable on is not fun. So, 3 satellite interviews (only 2 being on time), 2 of only 4 feature story live shots, and filling 4 minutes of lost time later, I emerged from my first day of fill in producing with a few grey hairs and in need of a giant nap. And that was only 2 hours in the booth! The thought that I have two more days of this makes me sag my shoulders in defeat. But, I shall get up, try not to work myself up over what COULD go wrong, and do it all over again tomorrow. I shall roll with the punches and know that while it doesn't always go according to plan, I'll leave having done the best job I could. Despite my easily frazzled-ness, dealing with the craziness does prove I know what I'm doing, I can think on my feet and I'm more capable than I often give myself credit for...so I've got that going for me. :)

Day 66: White Chicken Chili...the no think recipe

I like to cook. But, it can't be too involved. As much as I watch the contestants on Top Chef in awe, my brain just doesn't work that way. I need a recipe, with proper ingredients and proper amounts. Once I make something a few times, I can usually feel my way around it, adjust it to my preference...but always with the original guideline of a recipe.

Anyway, despite being a single lady, I usually cook a generous portion whenever I slip on the apron. Then, I fill up several Tupperware containers and either eat it for 5 days straight, or (helpful hint!) pop in the freezer for future use (seriously, pull it out before you go to work and it's defrosted by the time you get home and ready for a few minutes in the microwave!). It'd been a while since I whipped up some white chicken chili (inspired by the menu at Ruby Tuesday), so I pulled out the pot and got to work. Because it hit the spot so much when I was recovering from my cold and mini-coma this weekend, I'm including the dump all the ingredients in a pot recipe below. Enjoy!

1 pkg chicken breasts (3 or 4), cut into pieces and cooked on the stovetop, set aside
1 white or yellow onion, chopped
Few cans of white beans...depends on how "beany" you want it. (I usually use 3, 2 great northern and 1 pinto for a little color.)
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can chicken broth
Cumin
Yellow Mustard (not mandatory if you happen to forget it)
Garlic Powder, Pepper Salt

Dump cream of chicken, 1 can of water, and onions into pot - cook long enough to soften onions. Add beans (mostly drained, I don't mind some of the juice), chicken broth, chicken, 1 tsp cumin (more to taste), 1 tsp yellow mustard, and garlic powder, pepper and salt (a few shakes). Simmer 30 to 45 minutes until beans are soft. Could add a second can of cream of chicken without water if you want to thicken.

Sidenote: extra tasty with some tortilla chips crushed up on top your serving!

Day 65: Longest. Nap. Ever.

I just woke up from my nap. From yesterday. I laid down at 1:30 yesterday (Friday) afternoon. It's now 9 a.m. Saturday morning. Does that still count as a nap? I think I had more of a mini-coma. I did wake up starving at 2 a.m. and vaguely remember eating a bowl of soup...but it's all a bit hazy and feels like it was a dream. However, the bowl is sitting on the couch and I woke up holding a spoon, so I'm pretty sure it happened. How tired do you have to be to just wipe out for like 16 hours? Granted I have a bit of a cold and I had sketchy sleep this past week, but nothing I've not dealt with before! Maybe it's the last few weeks of inconsistent sleep that all caught up with me. Who knows. All I know is I feel pretty freaking fantastic this morning and I have all this energy! Problem being is I have absolutely no plans. The weekend of nothing was originally a good thing, a chance to catch up on sleep, and just relax. But now that I pretty much accomplished that in one day of my weekend, I am restless with nothing to do. Hmmm...the kitchen floor could be mopped and the vaccuum is looking bored. You all know how I love to clean...

Day 64: I'm sick.

It's the cold that's been building up all week and suddenly hit me with a ton of bricks. My head feels like it's a hundred pounds and ready to blow, my nose varies between constant running and unable to unstuff, and it feels like a golf ball wrapped in cotton is stuck in my throat. I'm finishing this post and laying my heavy head down...

All I want is my mom. Not that she'd even do anything, it's a cold, it pretty much has to run its course. But, I always want my mom when I'm sick, if only to feel like someone cares and wants to make me feel better. :) Silly, I know, and slightly childish, but I can't make the feeling ever go away. I know she'd bring me home cold medicine and cough drops and pick up my favorite canned campbell's soup, which I forgot to get when I stopped for the cold medicine and do not have the energy to go back out for it. It's fallen casualty to the cold and now that I'm sitting down in my pjs, really doesn't seem all that important. We'll see if it's worth it when I wake up after I take this little nap...

Day 63: I'm a woman in demand!

So I'm about 3 weeks into my "actual" job and I'm torn between loving it and hating it. I have to admit, I sort of love having the control, the authority to say "I want it this way." But, I'm not so great at using it! I don't know HOW to be authoritative...because ultimately, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's a bit of a conundrum I'll have to work on.

Still, I love the part of coordinating, of scheduling interviews and appointments, of my phone ringing all the time and feeling like I'm in demand. I may complain about it, but I secretly love it. I get a high over being the one in the know, the one who's got her hands on the reins and running the show. However, as this fuels my fire for the job, I suddenly know I don't want to stop at this local morning show. I want bigger and crazier and more involved. I want to dive into a larger product and see my mark on it. But, small steps, right? I'll just keep my nose to the ground, do what I can here and keep my eye on the bigger prize...

Day 62: Enough of this sulking.

I'm pretty sure I've come home and put my pyjamas on after work for the last 4 weeks. My feel good plans were put on the shelf, my running plan getting quite dusty, and frankly, I'm pissed. At me. I've let this sulky, feel sorry for myself business go on much too long, and it's time to stop. So I have a less than stellar job, so I live on a tight budget, so I was sort of, kind of dissed and left feeling embarassed and silly. Am I going to let all the crap run my life and tear me down? No, I'm going to step over it, dust off my sneakers and get back on the track that is my life. How is it ever going to get better if I just sit around and wait for it to happen? I'm going to make it happen. So there.

Day 61: A new low point

Oof. I'm pretty sure my cable and internet has been turned off. Or at least suspended. I came home to a blank screen on my television and a "this page cannot be displayed" message on my internet. At this point, I'm sitting alone in my apartment feeling humiliated. Embarassed and humiliated and sad. I do NOT pay things late, sometimes I just can't pay it all. Just writing that makes me feel ashamed all over again. Ugh. I'm almost 30, taking care of only myself, and I can't seem to pay all my bills. Who comes to the rescue? Mom. Thank goodness I have the most supportive, encouraging, willing to help mother always ready to pick me back up when I fall. So, my cable should be back on when I get home...but how to prevent myself from falling again? How many more times can she be there to haul me up? I hate this feeling, I hate having to ask for help, I hate feeling like I've failed, I hate feeling like it won't get better. It has to. I work hard, it's gotta pay off eventually right? I feel like all I ever b*tch about is lack of funds, but crap, does it ever take a toll on you. I can see how money can ruin a relationship, how it CAN be stronger than love, because lately, I want to break up with myself over lack of it, and date a stronger, more confident me with a much better paying job.

Day 60: So I met this boy...

Well, he's not really a boy. A guy, or man if you will... But seriously, we currently have each other's phone numbers and I'm casually (ahem, anxiously) waiting to see what happens next.

Oh, you want the details? Fine, fine, I'll dole out a few. I ended up making my first trip out in Philly with a whole group of girlfriends (and depending on how you look at it, one lucky or very unlucky boyfriend of one of the girls!). Of course, first and foremost on our agenda: dancing. Well, cocktails first, THEN on to the dancing. We made our mark on the bar, consuming the dance floor and getting in our numerous requests. As I've mentioned before, sometimes you just need to dance, and boy did we ever. At one point, these crazy boys tried to out dance us, and while they looked ridiculous (us ladies NEVER do of course...), it was this craziness that prompted me to open my mouth and talk to this cute guy next to me. Us ladies had been edged out from our dance circle, and when I turned my head to laugh about it, I saw a boy looking back, not one of my girls. So, fueled on by cocktail courage, plus my approaching 30 pledge to not let fear hold me back, I teased him to jump in on that dance fun (at least, I think I sounded this witty, it's a wee bit hazy). This lead to more witty banter, eventually some dancing, some lingering outside the bar, and yes, yes, there was even a little smooching. He was nice, he was funny, he was cute, he was interesting, and he seemed totally into me. He asked for my number, which I exchanged for his, and we parted ways. The End.

Or is it? Now I wait... or I make the first move? How does this game go? How many days do I wait til I call, or let's be honest, go the safe route and text? How do I know he's actually interested? We've all been there when we feel he's interested and then, we just never hear from him again. Is this the case? Was I just an evening of fun? I was genuine, how do I know if he was? The questions could drive me mad, but I won't let them. If he gets in touch, great! But, if I don't hear from him, then maybe I'll take matters into my own hands. I have no reason to think he WOULDN'T be interested. And THEN, if I don't hear anything back, I'll pull up my socks and move on...so long as there's dancing.

Day 59: Hurry up, I'm double parked!

I got to say this today! My first movie/television show line! It actually applied to the situation I was in, and I almost couldn't say it without grinning. A group of us stayed over at our gracious friend Meg's house in Philadelphia, and we came stocked with pillows, blankets, and being girls, bags stuffed with anything we may need over a 12 hour span. Mind you, we were just there to go out for one night... Anyway, it was raining and who wants to carry all that stuff in the rain? I dashed out to bring the car around to the apartment which was on a one way street full of parked cars. So, I pulled up tight next to two parked cars, flicked on the hazards and ran into the apartment, calling "Hurry up girls, I'm double parked!" Okay, not quite what most people might find a significant moment during my year long journey to accepting thirty, but to me, it was such a thrill to use an overused Hollywood quote in a completely appropriate situation. It's cool, you can call me a dork. :)

Day 58: Going to the doctor makes me feel grownup...

I can't help it. I know I'm almost 30, and I know I've technically been an adult for almost 12 years. But, when I do things like make my own appointments with the doctor, get maintenance on my car, even buy my own groceries, I get this little thrill that I'm such a grown up! I immediately want to call my mom and tell her the big girl thing I've just done in return for a little praise. It sounds completely ridiculous, but since being on my own, the feeling hasn't gone away. Will it ever? And, do I want it to? I'm not sure if I do... I like feeling like I've accomplished something, small or big, monumental or minor, and I feel good about it. Motivation is motivation, right? :)

Day 57: Seriously? I mean, I don't have huge standards, but seriously?

Online dating, Week 1 responses:

"Hey, what's up?"

"hi"

"Wanna chat?"

"I think you're cute, want to talk?"

Okay, so that last one was nice, what girl doesn't like compliments. Except that it came from a 49 year old man who appeared to be missing a tooth. Or two.

I mean, I'm not honestly thinking I'm going to find Prince Charming online, or think someone's going to start reciting poetry. But, c'mon boys, you gotta work a little harder than that! Try a little humor, a little wit, quote a movie, bring up a current event, ANYTHING to strike up a little conversation! I mean, you're a stranger! I'm not going to randomly meet up with a stranger if I don't know anything about you. If I meet someone out, do we not have a little idle chit chat before deciding to maybe exchange numbers, then maybe talk a little more before making an actual date? So make a freaking effort, or I'll freaking ignore you.

Day 56: I think we all just want to be a princess for a day...

I am not in a hurry to get married. Seriously. Despite my slight, okay, mounting apprehension about approaching 30 and being in a completely different place in my life than so many others I know, I'm not drooling to don the gold band. Someday, yes, I'd like to make that commitment, but I'm really okay with letting that happen when it happens.

What I do want, what I actually drool over and daydream about is the party. The music, the food, the speeches, the dancing, and....THE DRESS. I was thinking about it and I don't remember ever being one of those little girls who dreamed of their wedding, planning every detail right down to the party favors. But, I know I've dreamed of walking down the aisle, everyone's eyes on me, in a perfect dress that makes me look the most beautiful I've ever looked. I can only hope there's someone waiting at the other end, looking at me like he's the luckiest man in the world because he's getting me. But, I CAN picture the party that follows with all the songs I want played, me leading the dancing. Me floating about in an elegant gown, perfect makeup, no hair out of place, smiling and laughing and just having the time of my life. God, I can just see it, feel it! Screw it, if I don't ever get married, I'm just going to throw myself the party. Every girl wishes they were a princess at some point in their life, so why not make that dream come true, if only for a day?

Day 55: It just fell off.

My freak toenail! The one I worried so much about upon my big pedicure day like 7 weeks ago...it just up and fell off today. I know, I know, so disgusting. But, I have honestly been a little freaked out by the whole thing. I mean, where does the new one grow? Am I going to have 10 toes and 9 toenails?? Will it hurt when it falls off? Turns out, I didn't have much to worry about. The teensy new nail has been growing under the old one, which just hit a point today where it was no longer attached. SO WEIRD. I do have this little nub of a thing now and I'm slightly curious to know how that grows into a normal toenail and not this weird little bubble of a thing it currently looks like. But, I guess since my previous fears were unfounded, I shouldn't really worry about this one. I'm leaving it to the universe - fix my freak toe.

Day 54: Dating via the interweb: Do I dare?

I've joined the interweb masses and signed up for online dating. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to approach this, but I've recently posted a profile (very wittily written, if I do say so myself) and would be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued and kind of excited. Who will message me? What will they say? WILL anyone message me? Crap, this is actually kind of nerve wracking...

I've always been kind of uneasy about the online thing. I like that it's an easier way to approach someone, from the safety of your house, behind your computer screen. You can say the things you WANT to say, instead of the jarbled, embarrassing comments that fall out of your mouth, like "it gets good gas mileage" when the adorable car shop guy tells you your car fits you and you look cute in it. However, sometimes I feel like it's forced, like if I'm meant to find someone, it will happen on its own and I don't need to seek it out like I'm on a man hunt. There's also the romantic in me that really wants to smack into someone in the grocery store parking lot, pick up each other's keys by accident then fall in love while we exchange them and have a good laugh over coffee. I know, I'm rolling my eyes too...

So, I guess we'll see what happens? This could be fun. Or interesting. Or terrifying. Oh good grief...

Day 52: Accepting the Sunday blahs

I decided I was not going to stress this weekend as my Sunday night work start time approached. I've mentioned the Sunday blues, that depressing, sad feeling that the weekend is over and here comes Monday. They're always extra intense lately, because I go into work about midnight each Monday, which usually makes Sunday feel like a tense waiting room. It's like I'm waiting to go to work that night, keeping one eye on the clock, not enjoying the last day of my weekend. So I decided that was not going to happen this Sunday...and it kind of worked! I accepted the fact that I would not get much sleep and I didn't let it ruin my final day of the weekend. I slept in, spent the day shopping with my friend Sarah at the outlets, then we got some dinner and I was home with enough time to get a few hours of sleep. I think accepting this relieved some of the anxiety I usually feel all day as I wait to go to work. I didn't wait this time and didn't lose my Sunday. I'm growing, Mom, I'm growing!

Day 51: Letting the insecurities slip through...

Self esteem is something we all struggle with, some of us more than others. I've always had poor self esteem, never quite deeming myself as worthy as others. It's something I've worked on and I've come a long way over the last 8 or 9 years, realizing aspects of myself I like, respect, love. But, in moments of weakness, when your guard seems to be down and life is hitting you hard on several fronts, its easy for the old insecurities to seep through. Which is where I found myself tonight with a friend. It was all becoming overwhelming and I was on teetering on the edge of near hysteria, and suddenly my worries and fears started coming out of my mouth. All the crazy and quirk that I keep to myself, that I hide behind closed doors started to creep out. I even realize how insane I sound, almost like an out of body experience, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's like I need to vocalize it to make myself feel better. But I hate it, because I'm terrified I'll drive people I care about away. Let's be honest, no one wants to be around that kind of negativity, or crazy talk, it's a downer and can easily spread the blues. It's never my intention, I swear, and I've really learned to get over that hump, kind of store those feelings aside and live and think like most females my age. But, somtimes I feel like it's just hovering below the surface, and maybe my best plan of action is to remove myself for awhile from people whom I may have an affect on...

Good grief, it twists your mind thinking about it. Overall, I really do like the person I am, there are always just a bunch of things I yearn to change. I don't know if these feelings will ever alter or even go away, I can only keep trying to work on it, keep trying to reach a peace within myself. But how? If I lose the weight and can fit in smaller sizes, will my brain pick apart this newer perception of myself? If I earned more money, had a more successful job, would I feel like I've reached the point of career fulfillment? Or will I still want more? If I had a boyfriend, would I feel content and loved, or still wonder if I'm worthy of it? I don't have the answers. You don't have the answers. I don't even know if we ever find these answers. I'm just going to keep getting up each day and looking for the good, the positive and the optimism. It's that, or succumb to the sad, the dark, and I know, I KNOW from a place that takes root in my core, that I do not want that. I want the light and I will keep working toward it.

Day 50: Holy crap...I've been doing this 50 days?

Happy Friday! And, happy 50 day mark! I honestly don't know if anyone cares that I'm still writing or is even interested anymore in what's hitting the page, but I'm pretty thrilled I've stuck with it this long! That's once a day for 50 days straight! I'm not saying I don't commit to something and stick with it...well, that kind of is what I'm saying. I always promise to stick to a diet, a workout routine, a flossing pattern, checkbook balancing, returning the CDs to the cases. However, despite my best intentions, my commitment usually peters out. NOT THIS TIME. I'm going all the way, baby. I don't care if you find my shower head debacle, or my shopping highs completely boring. To be honest, I don't think I'm all that interesting to be writing about myself everyday! But, I'm going to keep it up...so stick around to see if things get more interesting. ;)

Day 49: I'm stumped.

Yet another shower head. Yet another shower that's just not right. This time the water pressure is PERFECT...but there is this strange, high pierced whistle the entire time I shower. I was pretty much twitching by the time I was finished, not to mention there were dogs howling outside my window. Back to the drawing board.

Flash of clarity: Is this a metaphor for my life?? I try something new, it seems to be perfect, but always has a slight flaw? Does my shower head confusion and unhappiness translate into my life pattern? My head is spinning.

Day 48: I'm cooking my frustrations away!

I'm by no means a chef, but I can whip together a meal or two. And, sometimes it's the perfect way to work out your frustrations. Not to mention it fills up your refrigerator with ready made meals you can toss in the microwave all week long. So that's what I did. As lazy as I wanted to be, I picked myself up, strapped on my apron (thanks Kiersten!), tuned Pandora to Madonna and lined up the ingredients.

As a single lady on a budget, I completely believe cooking up a bunch of meals is waaay cheaper and more fulfilling than ordering in or even buying pre-made meals (though don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some SmartOnes!). Often when I cook, I pretty much piece together a meal after inventorying my fridge, freezer and cupboards. The next thing I know I've got sauce in one pot, water boiling for noodles in another and chicken cooking in a pan. And, because I fully believe in multi-tasking, I'm cutting up melon and strawberries while all that cooks, before moving on to whipping up a cake for work the next day. The constant moving from one project to another, the jamming to my spatula microphone, the satisfaction as each dish starts to come together, it really calms me down while also giving me a boost of adrenaline and lifting my spirits. And after I clean up everything so that it looks like my kitchen was never used, I feel even more satisfied. :) Now I just have 5 containers of chicken and pasta with vodka sauce filling up my fridge...*sigh* A slight downfall of cooking for one: a week of the same dish. That's why I only make a recipe every 6 months....