Day 289: I said it...and now I'm even more scared.

I thought I could fall for him when he surprised me with a night of dinner and Christmas lights to brighten my crappy week. I thought I might just love him when he gave me my first real Valentine's day, surprising me a day early with flowers and pizza and diet coke and bagels. I knew I loved him when he told me he'd not only showed up after almost 3 weeks away with flowers, muffins and watermelon gum...but that he'd vaccuumed. I almost said the words without even knowing they were going to come out, but I stopped myself. Why? Because I was scared. Scared he wouldn't feel the same, or not say them back, or say them but not mean them, or be completely caught off guard or, or...I don't know. But, scared as I was I knew I had to say those 3 huge little words or they would come flying out at the most inopportune times...which is exactly what happened. After days of working up the courage to say them at the perfect time, I blurted them out during a tense conversation about our futures and where our relationship was going and yes, even some tears. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, it's classic Lindsey. And, despite the unfortunate conditions, it was finally out there, I'd laid it on the table and he'd responded with the same feelings, the same words. But, now what? How do we say it again? When do I say it again? It's almost more scary now! Now I feel like it's just hanging out there, taunting me, do I say it now? Or just keep biting me tongue waiting for him to say it next? Good grief, Charlie Brown, why don't they tell you it's going to be this hard?