Days 290-296: I'm tired.

Another week, another 5 days of stress, sleeping during the day, and eating lunch at "breakfast" time. I'm just tired. Drained. Exhausted from thinking, from not thinking, from wishing for more, from settling for less. Is it a girl thing? Do we like to visualize the future, or is it more preparing for potential curves in the road? Am I thinking TOO much? Or am I thinking the right amount? Do I want too much by wanting more? Oh boy, when do the answers come?

Day 289: I said it...and now I'm even more scared.

I thought I could fall for him when he surprised me with a night of dinner and Christmas lights to brighten my crappy week. I thought I might just love him when he gave me my first real Valentine's day, surprising me a day early with flowers and pizza and diet coke and bagels. I knew I loved him when he told me he'd not only showed up after almost 3 weeks away with flowers, muffins and watermelon gum...but that he'd vaccuumed. I almost said the words without even knowing they were going to come out, but I stopped myself. Why? Because I was scared. Scared he wouldn't feel the same, or not say them back, or say them but not mean them, or be completely caught off guard or, or...I don't know. But, scared as I was I knew I had to say those 3 huge little words or they would come flying out at the most inopportune times...which is exactly what happened. After days of working up the courage to say them at the perfect time, I blurted them out during a tense conversation about our futures and where our relationship was going and yes, even some tears. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, it's classic Lindsey. And, despite the unfortunate conditions, it was finally out there, I'd laid it on the table and he'd responded with the same feelings, the same words. But, now what? How do we say it again? When do I say it again? It's almost more scary now! Now I feel like it's just hanging out there, taunting me, do I say it now? Or just keep biting me tongue waiting for him to say it next? Good grief, Charlie Brown, why don't they tell you it's going to be this hard?

Day 283-288: This is going to get better when?

Ugh, another crazy week, complete with severe weather and a royal wedding! As if it wasn't enough doing another week of producing 2 hours with no help, I got to deal with tornado warnings on Thursday, keeping us on the air all morning waaaay past our end time...and then it seemed like I'd just got home, when I had to return for Royal Wedding hoopla on Friday! Now, I may have originally said I could have cared less about Will and Kate's nuptials, but once the national coverage started I was hooked. So needless to say, it was a bit of a distraction as I tried to put together my shows, which fittingly enough were full of wedding counter programming. Once I pulled my head out of the British clouds and got my shows finished, everything was smooth until some silly blow up with my director. I really let it bother me, even though it was Friday and not a huge deal and I know I should have just shrugged it off. I'm too darn sensitive! I could feel the pressure of the tears and I had to will them away...enough of this! I will toughen up and not let these little things hit so close to home. I will give it right back and hold my ground when I think, when I KNOW I'm right! That being said, thank gooooodness this week is over.

Days 281 - 282: An Easter With New Family...

Working in news I've made concessions when it comes to working holidays. I've spent them with friends, at work, with coworkers after work, and even alone. Easter is one of those I've spent alone many times as it's on a Sunday and next to impossible to travel home and back for without falling asleep behind the wheel or at work. So, I was prepared to spend this one alone. Well, not alone, Mr. O. promised to come in for the weekend and we'd have our own little Easter dinner, which was fitting because I'd already put together the cutest Easter basket for him. :) Then he said he wanted me to spend the day with his family...and I got nervous. I don't know why, I've met his family before and liked every one of them! I guess it's just the dynamic of it being a family day, full of tradition and here I am, this newcomer whose interrupting the flow of the day. But, it sounded like it meant a lot to Mr. O. that I come, and honestly I was touched he wanted me to come so much. So off I went with my cherry cheesecake and overnight bag...and I had such a good time! It wasn't awkward staying over with his parents home (except when I sat down to breakfast with no makeup and my hair in a messy ponytail...did I mention I had a volcano growing on my chin??), and it wasn't awkward sitting down to dinner or hanging around the table afterward. I felt completely accepted and really enjoyed myself. So thanks O. family for making a girl feel so welcome and like part of the family. Whatever was I worried about? :)

P.S. Check out how lucky I am? Here I think I'm being so clever playing sneaky Easter Bunny on Mr. O...only to wake up Easter morning to this adorable and so girly pink basket from him! Complete with all my faves, sour watermelons, gummi bears, laffy taffy and a Phillies hat, as he's convinced on making me a fan. No matter how old you get, Easter baskets on Easter morning never get old. Thanks for being so sweet Mr. O.!

Day 276 - 280: A Producing Blur

It's been awhile since I stepped into the producing chair, and whoa, this week has been a blur of news. I'm officially exhausted and once again questioning my career choice more than ever. Morning news can sometimes be sleepy, but when it picks up the pace, it's CRAZY! And, this week has been one crazy day after another. I've left work late everyday, only working out twice this week and struggling with sleep every night. I'm so ready for this weekend! Only to turn around and do it all again next week...I hope I'm just out of practice and it gets a little easier. But there's a spark I'm missing, one that once came alive as I started to put a show together and was fueled as I watched it all unfold how I'd planned. Now it just seems like a frantic race against the clock to finish 2 hours of show...and I can't ever take the time to actually enjoy what I'm doing. This scares me a bit...and makes me realize I have a lot to think about.

Day 274-275: Uh oh, my scary side emerges...

I have never tried to make my struggle with self esteem and depression a secret. It's something I battle with everyday, some days much better than others, and while I try not to call attention to it, I'm not afraid to talk about it. However, the actual emotions, the feelings, the thoughts it can sometimes drag out of me are not things I really want to dump on anyone, especially my boyfriend of only 7 months. So here I am, Saturday night, just a few days after he so adorably surprised me with a visit and treated me like a princess, and I'm feeling this awful self-loathing consume me...all in front of Mr. O. I don't even know where it came from! One minute we're watching a hockey game and goofing around and the next I'm asking myself how he could possibly like me and how much longer til he leaves. How does this happen? Why can't I wrap my head around the fact that he likes me for who I am, that he's not going anywhere, and that I deserve all of this? Is this my addiction? Or is it some sort of disorder that I will never conquer? I can't really explain how I feel when this is all happening, just that there's this incredible feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I tried to curl up alone in my room and ride it out, but damn that Mr. O. for shaking me out of it. Or really I should thank him... I felt terrible though, as it put a damper on the whole evening, and I'm pretty sure he felt like he'd done something wrong. I don't think he understood that it was this war I was waging within myself and unfortunately he had to present for it. But, if he's going to be around awhile, I guess I shouldn't hide part of myself, right? Still, it's not an attractive side of me... Good grief, why can't I just be happy? I'm deciding right now that if it happens again, I'm just going to ask him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright...because I may not actually believe it, but it's what I want and need to hear.

Day 273: Less than 3 months...

Holy crap, the big 3-0 is less than 3 months away at this point and part of me feels like I've yet to accomplish any of the things I wanted to by this point! I mean, I'm not going to get married and have a baby by July! But, what about my 5K? And, wearing a bathing suit without feeling embarrassed? Or making more money? Hmmm...I think it's time for a bucket list. Nothing huge, just some milestones I'd like to check off the list by the time I enter a new decade. More to come...