Day 62: Enough of this sulking.

I'm pretty sure I've come home and put my pyjamas on after work for the last 4 weeks. My feel good plans were put on the shelf, my running plan getting quite dusty, and frankly, I'm pissed. At me. I've let this sulky, feel sorry for myself business go on much too long, and it's time to stop. So I have a less than stellar job, so I live on a tight budget, so I was sort of, kind of dissed and left feeling embarassed and silly. Am I going to let all the crap run my life and tear me down? No, I'm going to step over it, dust off my sneakers and get back on the track that is my life. How is it ever going to get better if I just sit around and wait for it to happen? I'm going to make it happen. So there.

Day 61: A new low point

Oof. I'm pretty sure my cable and internet has been turned off. Or at least suspended. I came home to a blank screen on my television and a "this page cannot be displayed" message on my internet. At this point, I'm sitting alone in my apartment feeling humiliated. Embarassed and humiliated and sad. I do NOT pay things late, sometimes I just can't pay it all. Just writing that makes me feel ashamed all over again. Ugh. I'm almost 30, taking care of only myself, and I can't seem to pay all my bills. Who comes to the rescue? Mom. Thank goodness I have the most supportive, encouraging, willing to help mother always ready to pick me back up when I fall. So, my cable should be back on when I get home...but how to prevent myself from falling again? How many more times can she be there to haul me up? I hate this feeling, I hate having to ask for help, I hate feeling like I've failed, I hate feeling like it won't get better. It has to. I work hard, it's gotta pay off eventually right? I feel like all I ever b*tch about is lack of funds, but crap, does it ever take a toll on you. I can see how money can ruin a relationship, how it CAN be stronger than love, because lately, I want to break up with myself over lack of it, and date a stronger, more confident me with a much better paying job.

Day 60: So I met this boy...

Well, he's not really a boy. A guy, or man if you will... But seriously, we currently have each other's phone numbers and I'm casually (ahem, anxiously) waiting to see what happens next.

Oh, you want the details? Fine, fine, I'll dole out a few. I ended up making my first trip out in Philly with a whole group of girlfriends (and depending on how you look at it, one lucky or very unlucky boyfriend of one of the girls!). Of course, first and foremost on our agenda: dancing. Well, cocktails first, THEN on to the dancing. We made our mark on the bar, consuming the dance floor and getting in our numerous requests. As I've mentioned before, sometimes you just need to dance, and boy did we ever. At one point, these crazy boys tried to out dance us, and while they looked ridiculous (us ladies NEVER do of course...), it was this craziness that prompted me to open my mouth and talk to this cute guy next to me. Us ladies had been edged out from our dance circle, and when I turned my head to laugh about it, I saw a boy looking back, not one of my girls. So, fueled on by cocktail courage, plus my approaching 30 pledge to not let fear hold me back, I teased him to jump in on that dance fun (at least, I think I sounded this witty, it's a wee bit hazy). This lead to more witty banter, eventually some dancing, some lingering outside the bar, and yes, yes, there was even a little smooching. He was nice, he was funny, he was cute, he was interesting, and he seemed totally into me. He asked for my number, which I exchanged for his, and we parted ways. The End.

Or is it? Now I wait... or I make the first move? How does this game go? How many days do I wait til I call, or let's be honest, go the safe route and text? How do I know he's actually interested? We've all been there when we feel he's interested and then, we just never hear from him again. Is this the case? Was I just an evening of fun? I was genuine, how do I know if he was? The questions could drive me mad, but I won't let them. If he gets in touch, great! But, if I don't hear from him, then maybe I'll take matters into my own hands. I have no reason to think he WOULDN'T be interested. And THEN, if I don't hear anything back, I'll pull up my socks and move on...so long as there's dancing.

Day 59: Hurry up, I'm double parked!

I got to say this today! My first movie/television show line! It actually applied to the situation I was in, and I almost couldn't say it without grinning. A group of us stayed over at our gracious friend Meg's house in Philadelphia, and we came stocked with pillows, blankets, and being girls, bags stuffed with anything we may need over a 12 hour span. Mind you, we were just there to go out for one night... Anyway, it was raining and who wants to carry all that stuff in the rain? I dashed out to bring the car around to the apartment which was on a one way street full of parked cars. So, I pulled up tight next to two parked cars, flicked on the hazards and ran into the apartment, calling "Hurry up girls, I'm double parked!" Okay, not quite what most people might find a significant moment during my year long journey to accepting thirty, but to me, it was such a thrill to use an overused Hollywood quote in a completely appropriate situation. It's cool, you can call me a dork. :)

Day 58: Going to the doctor makes me feel grownup...

I can't help it. I know I'm almost 30, and I know I've technically been an adult for almost 12 years. But, when I do things like make my own appointments with the doctor, get maintenance on my car, even buy my own groceries, I get this little thrill that I'm such a grown up! I immediately want to call my mom and tell her the big girl thing I've just done in return for a little praise. It sounds completely ridiculous, but since being on my own, the feeling hasn't gone away. Will it ever? And, do I want it to? I'm not sure if I do... I like feeling like I've accomplished something, small or big, monumental or minor, and I feel good about it. Motivation is motivation, right? :)

Day 57: Seriously? I mean, I don't have huge standards, but seriously?

Online dating, Week 1 responses:

"Hey, what's up?"

"hi"

"Wanna chat?"

"I think you're cute, want to talk?"

Okay, so that last one was nice, what girl doesn't like compliments. Except that it came from a 49 year old man who appeared to be missing a tooth. Or two.

I mean, I'm not honestly thinking I'm going to find Prince Charming online, or think someone's going to start reciting poetry. But, c'mon boys, you gotta work a little harder than that! Try a little humor, a little wit, quote a movie, bring up a current event, ANYTHING to strike up a little conversation! I mean, you're a stranger! I'm not going to randomly meet up with a stranger if I don't know anything about you. If I meet someone out, do we not have a little idle chit chat before deciding to maybe exchange numbers, then maybe talk a little more before making an actual date? So make a freaking effort, or I'll freaking ignore you.

Day 56: I think we all just want to be a princess for a day...

I am not in a hurry to get married. Seriously. Despite my slight, okay, mounting apprehension about approaching 30 and being in a completely different place in my life than so many others I know, I'm not drooling to don the gold band. Someday, yes, I'd like to make that commitment, but I'm really okay with letting that happen when it happens.

What I do want, what I actually drool over and daydream about is the party. The music, the food, the speeches, the dancing, and....THE DRESS. I was thinking about it and I don't remember ever being one of those little girls who dreamed of their wedding, planning every detail right down to the party favors. But, I know I've dreamed of walking down the aisle, everyone's eyes on me, in a perfect dress that makes me look the most beautiful I've ever looked. I can only hope there's someone waiting at the other end, looking at me like he's the luckiest man in the world because he's getting me. But, I CAN picture the party that follows with all the songs I want played, me leading the dancing. Me floating about in an elegant gown, perfect makeup, no hair out of place, smiling and laughing and just having the time of my life. God, I can just see it, feel it! Screw it, if I don't ever get married, I'm just going to throw myself the party. Every girl wishes they were a princess at some point in their life, so why not make that dream come true, if only for a day?