Day 55: It just fell off.

My freak toenail! The one I worried so much about upon my big pedicure day like 7 weeks ago...it just up and fell off today. I know, I know, so disgusting. But, I have honestly been a little freaked out by the whole thing. I mean, where does the new one grow? Am I going to have 10 toes and 9 toenails?? Will it hurt when it falls off? Turns out, I didn't have much to worry about. The teensy new nail has been growing under the old one, which just hit a point today where it was no longer attached. SO WEIRD. I do have this little nub of a thing now and I'm slightly curious to know how that grows into a normal toenail and not this weird little bubble of a thing it currently looks like. But, I guess since my previous fears were unfounded, I shouldn't really worry about this one. I'm leaving it to the universe - fix my freak toe.

Day 54: Dating via the interweb: Do I dare?

I've joined the interweb masses and signed up for online dating. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to approach this, but I've recently posted a profile (very wittily written, if I do say so myself) and would be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued and kind of excited. Who will message me? What will they say? WILL anyone message me? Crap, this is actually kind of nerve wracking...

I've always been kind of uneasy about the online thing. I like that it's an easier way to approach someone, from the safety of your house, behind your computer screen. You can say the things you WANT to say, instead of the jarbled, embarrassing comments that fall out of your mouth, like "it gets good gas mileage" when the adorable car shop guy tells you your car fits you and you look cute in it. However, sometimes I feel like it's forced, like if I'm meant to find someone, it will happen on its own and I don't need to seek it out like I'm on a man hunt. There's also the romantic in me that really wants to smack into someone in the grocery store parking lot, pick up each other's keys by accident then fall in love while we exchange them and have a good laugh over coffee. I know, I'm rolling my eyes too...

So, I guess we'll see what happens? This could be fun. Or interesting. Or terrifying. Oh good grief...

Day 52: Accepting the Sunday blahs

I decided I was not going to stress this weekend as my Sunday night work start time approached. I've mentioned the Sunday blues, that depressing, sad feeling that the weekend is over and here comes Monday. They're always extra intense lately, because I go into work about midnight each Monday, which usually makes Sunday feel like a tense waiting room. It's like I'm waiting to go to work that night, keeping one eye on the clock, not enjoying the last day of my weekend. So I decided that was not going to happen this Sunday...and it kind of worked! I accepted the fact that I would not get much sleep and I didn't let it ruin my final day of the weekend. I slept in, spent the day shopping with my friend Sarah at the outlets, then we got some dinner and I was home with enough time to get a few hours of sleep. I think accepting this relieved some of the anxiety I usually feel all day as I wait to go to work. I didn't wait this time and didn't lose my Sunday. I'm growing, Mom, I'm growing!

Day 51: Letting the insecurities slip through...

Self esteem is something we all struggle with, some of us more than others. I've always had poor self esteem, never quite deeming myself as worthy as others. It's something I've worked on and I've come a long way over the last 8 or 9 years, realizing aspects of myself I like, respect, love. But, in moments of weakness, when your guard seems to be down and life is hitting you hard on several fronts, its easy for the old insecurities to seep through. Which is where I found myself tonight with a friend. It was all becoming overwhelming and I was on teetering on the edge of near hysteria, and suddenly my worries and fears started coming out of my mouth. All the crazy and quirk that I keep to myself, that I hide behind closed doors started to creep out. I even realize how insane I sound, almost like an out of body experience, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's like I need to vocalize it to make myself feel better. But I hate it, because I'm terrified I'll drive people I care about away. Let's be honest, no one wants to be around that kind of negativity, or crazy talk, it's a downer and can easily spread the blues. It's never my intention, I swear, and I've really learned to get over that hump, kind of store those feelings aside and live and think like most females my age. But, somtimes I feel like it's just hovering below the surface, and maybe my best plan of action is to remove myself for awhile from people whom I may have an affect on...

Good grief, it twists your mind thinking about it. Overall, I really do like the person I am, there are always just a bunch of things I yearn to change. I don't know if these feelings will ever alter or even go away, I can only keep trying to work on it, keep trying to reach a peace within myself. But how? If I lose the weight and can fit in smaller sizes, will my brain pick apart this newer perception of myself? If I earned more money, had a more successful job, would I feel like I've reached the point of career fulfillment? Or will I still want more? If I had a boyfriend, would I feel content and loved, or still wonder if I'm worthy of it? I don't have the answers. You don't have the answers. I don't even know if we ever find these answers. I'm just going to keep getting up each day and looking for the good, the positive and the optimism. It's that, or succumb to the sad, the dark, and I know, I KNOW from a place that takes root in my core, that I do not want that. I want the light and I will keep working toward it.

Day 50: Holy crap...I've been doing this 50 days?

Happy Friday! And, happy 50 day mark! I honestly don't know if anyone cares that I'm still writing or is even interested anymore in what's hitting the page, but I'm pretty thrilled I've stuck with it this long! That's once a day for 50 days straight! I'm not saying I don't commit to something and stick with it...well, that kind of is what I'm saying. I always promise to stick to a diet, a workout routine, a flossing pattern, checkbook balancing, returning the CDs to the cases. However, despite my best intentions, my commitment usually peters out. NOT THIS TIME. I'm going all the way, baby. I don't care if you find my shower head debacle, or my shopping highs completely boring. To be honest, I don't think I'm all that interesting to be writing about myself everyday! But, I'm going to keep it up...so stick around to see if things get more interesting. ;)

Day 49: I'm stumped.

Yet another shower head. Yet another shower that's just not right. This time the water pressure is PERFECT...but there is this strange, high pierced whistle the entire time I shower. I was pretty much twitching by the time I was finished, not to mention there were dogs howling outside my window. Back to the drawing board.

Flash of clarity: Is this a metaphor for my life?? I try something new, it seems to be perfect, but always has a slight flaw? Does my shower head confusion and unhappiness translate into my life pattern? My head is spinning.

Day 48: I'm cooking my frustrations away!

I'm by no means a chef, but I can whip together a meal or two. And, sometimes it's the perfect way to work out your frustrations. Not to mention it fills up your refrigerator with ready made meals you can toss in the microwave all week long. So that's what I did. As lazy as I wanted to be, I picked myself up, strapped on my apron (thanks Kiersten!), tuned Pandora to Madonna and lined up the ingredients.

As a single lady on a budget, I completely believe cooking up a bunch of meals is waaay cheaper and more fulfilling than ordering in or even buying pre-made meals (though don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some SmartOnes!). Often when I cook, I pretty much piece together a meal after inventorying my fridge, freezer and cupboards. The next thing I know I've got sauce in one pot, water boiling for noodles in another and chicken cooking in a pan. And, because I fully believe in multi-tasking, I'm cutting up melon and strawberries while all that cooks, before moving on to whipping up a cake for work the next day. The constant moving from one project to another, the jamming to my spatula microphone, the satisfaction as each dish starts to come together, it really calms me down while also giving me a boost of adrenaline and lifting my spirits. And after I clean up everything so that it looks like my kitchen was never used, I feel even more satisfied. :) Now I just have 5 containers of chicken and pasta with vodka sauce filling up my fridge...*sigh* A slight downfall of cooking for one: a week of the same dish. That's why I only make a recipe every 6 months....